Courting Is Over

Times have changed and the old school’ traditional dating is a thing of the past.  That sweet old fashioned notion that we’ll be picked up, taken out (without paying), and brought back home without our personal space being violated is currently considered an antiquated idea. But why? As a mom, I have my theories but let’s talk about one topic that has created a substantial impact on today’s dating scene.

Today’s main source of meeting anyone looking for a deeper human connection is all online. And, for some, this might be an easier and more convenient way to get ourselves “out there.” However, it has its downsides. Most importantly the way women are treated in the beginning of the relationship.

Which brings me to this:

Online dating has changed the way men court women. 

Dating online has become more popular over time, and has shown to be somewhat successful. And, if that’s you, congrats! But for most, the opportunity to live out the fantasy of bumping into our prince charming and falling deeply in love is taken away from us. 

It all starts with my favorite question and conversation starter “so, how did you two meet?”

The art of the pick-up
Nowadays, we’re expected to drive ourselves to the destination.
It’s unfortunate that this may be a safety reality in today’s common tragedies; however, there is a real thrill to the ‘getting ready’ part of being picked up for a date! 

Why is getting picked up so important?
This is the excitement-building phase of dating. The pick-up helps to create attraction.
When attraction builds mutually, two people begin to feel resonance, that sense of being seen and understood.
Attraction and resonance are important phases in the courting period of dating because they create the foundation for trust and open communication.  

Meeting in the middle
It’s a common fact that most people in big cities have an average travel time of thirty minutes to an hour to get anywhere.
If that’s the case for you, meet in the middle!
It’ll show consideration for your time and theirs.
Also eliminating any nerves you may have sharing your place with someone you don’t know, and vice versa.

Who gets the bill?
Splitting the bill is much more common these days and I don’t understand it.
Call me old fashioned, but in the old days, it was understood that whomever initiated the date was expected to take the person out and treat them, right? 

In our modern era, this could get confusing for those meeting through a website or app.
Especially the ones designed for the women to make the first move! 
But, with that said. I think it’s important to remember the “who asked who” to keep things fair and courteous to the other person.

Don’t be cheap! Instead, get creative!
The decision of who gets the bill can create awkward tension if there’s a discrepancy in the income or financial status of two people. If this is the case for your date, get creative with them! Think outside the box for things to do. It’ll show that you care and understand the other person’s situation. 

Despite what everyone says, not everything costs money.

Sex on the first date?
Getting physical is much more common after a first online date and almost an expectation for some. 

This may trickle down to one reason; social portrayal.
When we meet someone online, everything moves a lot faster.
We know more about the person than we need to before even getting to the date. Where they live, where they’re from, what they do, and so many other facts right in front of us.
This allows us to feel as if we know everything we need to know.
Because of this, we make our decision to move forward in a shorter time frame than we would have had we taken our time learning about the other person through actually “dating” them.

Sex is a healthy and integral part of a relationship.
But, the oxytocin that’s released during sex can skew your view of the other person, making us more susceptible to ignoring red flags.

Now you’ve made your decision to move forward before you’re ready, now what?
We find ourselves backtracking and learning some things we may not like. But it’s too late, we already jumped ahead.

In my opinion, this complicates things greatly and results in two people being on completely different pages.
Before you know it, the “what is this” question hits you between the eyes and most likely one of you is not ready to answer it.
No one likes to be put on the spot about something they are not 100% sure of. In fact, if given the choice, we would probably choose to never feel like we have to ask that question to begin with!

There is a real danger in rushing physical contact during the dating period. From an emotional and physical standpoint, that is.
Before engaging in sexual activity it’s wise to take the time to ask good questions and really get to know the other person first.

Asking good questions
Some things to think about when deciding whether or not to pursue in a physical relationship with someone is this:

1. Are you both looking for something serious?
   This matters when trying to avoid wasting your time and your body on someone who will only be involved in your life temporarily.

2. Are you both seeing other people? In the world of online dating, there is a silent understanding that you may not be the only one the other person is dating.
   If this is the case and it’s something that could be bothersome to you, communicate it!
   It’s important to have standards and respect for yourself.
   If you don’t, it could also result in resentment towards the other if it’s not communicated properly.
   There’s no shame in someone “keeping their options open” as long as you’re aware and make your own decisions for yourself accordingly.

We all deserve to have that fantasy love story!
And having a good sense of who a person is and what they want from you through human interaction is essential in creating a foundation for that story.

So, whether you met your person at the grocery store or through an app on your phone, the process should be the same. Be courteous of one another, treat each other, be respectful, and communicate! 

In my previous blog “Fighting Fair” we talked about a few communication skills to get through conflict and misunderstanding. Take a read over there for some tips on how to survive today’s dating frenzy!